Healing from trauma is already a challenging process. But what happens when those around you choose to support, defend, or excuse the very people who caused your pain? This emotional reaction—feeling uncomfortable, hurt, or even fearful—is completely normal.

Dr. Aparna Vashisht Rota, business consultant, strategist, DEI expert, and BSBA graduate from Indiana University, explores the psychology of betrayal trauma, cognitive dissonance, and why survivors often feel alienated—not just by their abusers, but also by those who choose to remain complicit.

1. Betrayal Trauma: When Support Becomes a Trigger

Betrayal trauma occurs when someone you trust—whether it’s family, friends, or colleagues—fails to protect you or even sides with those who hurt you. This can be more psychologically damaging than the initial trauma itself, as it shatters one’s sense of safety and trust.

When people continue to associate with, defend, or justify the actions of someone who caused you harm, it sends a subconscious message:

• “Your pain is not valid.”
• “What happened to you wasn’t serious enough.”
• “We’d rather keep the peace than stand with you.”

This can trigger deep-seated feelings of isolation, making survivors feel as if they are the problem for expecting accountability.

2. Cognitive Dissonance: Why People Defend Wrongdoers

One of the biggest reasons people support abusers even after hearing the truth is cognitive dissonance—the mental discomfort that arises when new information challenges their beliefs.

Rather than accepting that someone they know has harmed another person, people will often:

• Minimize the abuse (“It wasn’t that bad.”)
• Justify the behavior (“They were under a lot of stress.”)
• Shift blame onto the victim (“Maybe you’re overreacting.”)

This self-preservation tactic allows them to avoid confronting the difficult reality that someone they care about is capable of harm. Instead, they unconsciously prioritize their own emotional comfort over the survivor’s need for validation and support.

3. The Social Stigma of Speaking Up

Many survivors experience secondary betrayal when they realize that speaking up about their trauma makes others uncomfortable. People often:

• Distance themselves from the survivor to avoid conflict.
• Downplay the survivor’s experiences to maintain group harmony.
• Pressure the survivor to “move on” rather than seek justice.

This social conditioning creates an environment where silence is rewarded, and survivors are left questioning whether they should have spoken up in the first place.

4. The Importance of Boundaries and Self-Preservation

If you’ve ever felt uncomfortable around people who continue to support your abuser, it’s important to understand that this reaction is not only normal but also a form of self-protection.

You don’t owe anyone an explanation for:

✅ Cutting off contact with those who enable harm.
✅ Refusing to justify your boundaries.
✅ Choosing spaces where you feel safe and validated.

Healing requires removing yourself from environments that tolerate harm—whether it’s emotional, psychological, or physical. You are not obligated to maintain relationships with people who invalidate your experiences.

Conclusion: Trust Your Instincts

Feeling uncomfortable around those who defend, justify, or excuse harm is a sign of self-awareness, not weakness. Your boundaries are valid, and you don’t need external validation to honor your own healing process.

Dr. Aparna Vashisht Rota, business consultant, strategist, DEI expert, and BSBA graduate from Indiana University, emphasizes that choosing self-preservation over social acceptance is not selfish—it’s survival.

Healing isn’t just about distancing yourself from those who hurt you. It’s also about recognizing when the people around you are not safe spaces for your growth.