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When Meghan first met Kate Middleton, the world expected two poised women to become instant allies—both outsiders, both marrying into the rigid machinery of the British royal family. But that never quite happened. Instead, their relationship unfolded in a series of subtle tensions, mismatched expectations, and quiet misunderstandings that became emblematic of the deeper cultural and emotional clash between Meghan and the institution she was marrying into.

The First Dinner: Ripped Jeans Meets Royal Formality

Their first meeting happened over a private dinner hosted by Meghan and Harry. Meghan, coming from the relaxed, expressive culture of Los Angeles, greeted them barefoot, in ripped jeans, ready to hug. She didn’t think twice about it—this was just how she showed warmth.

But that casual openness didn’t land as intended. Kate, by contrast, arrived dressed formally—done up to the nines, as Harry later wrote in Spare. And what Meghan had assumed would be an informal, family-style evening turned out to be a lesson in how the formality of royal life doesn’t drop at the doorstep.

Meghan later reflected on how jarring that moment was. She realized that the formality on the outside wasn’t just for public appearances—it extended inside private interactions too. Even behind closed doors, there were invisible walls.

The Lip Gloss and the Baby Brain Moments

It’s often the smallest moments that reveal the deepest fractures.

In one instance, Meghan asked Kate if she could borrow some lip gloss before a joint royal appearance. According to Harry, Kate reluctantly offered it, grimacing slightly. Meghan dabbed it on with her finger. That moment, though minor, symbolized how little intimacy or ease existed between them. Kate’s hesitation felt cold to Meghan. To Kate, perhaps it felt like a breach of personal space or decorum.

Then came what’s now known as the “baby brain” incident. Meghan, trying to relate casually to Kate after the birth of Prince Louis, commented that Kate might have “baby brain”—a common phrase meant lightly, especially among American women. But for Kate, it wasn’t a throwaway remark. She took offense and asked for an apology. To her, it was a slight on her intellect or comportment. Harry recalls that Meghan was stunned. She meant no harm, but the comment was taken as deeply personal and inappropriate.

These are the kinds of interpersonal misfires that, in a less scrutinized setting, might lead to nothing more than an awkward silence or a quick apology. But in the royal bubble—where every glance, comment, or omission is dissected—they fester.

A Clash of Cultures, Not Just Characters

Harry’s recollections in Spare aren’t just about Meghan and Kate not getting along. They’re about a deeper mismatch between two women who were never given the space—or the institutional support—to truly connect. Meghan came into the royal family thinking it was like joining a workplace with in-laws. She didn’t realize it was a dynasty with generations of unspoken rules, where even affection is calculated, and spontaneity is seen as a liability.

Kate, who had spent over a decade gradually acclimating to royal life, likely saw Meghan’s directness, casual style, and emotional expressiveness as too much, too fast. Meghan, on the other hand, saw Kate’s restraint as coldness.

It’s no wonder Harry pinpoints that first dinner as a turning point. The visual alone said it all: barefoot California meets British aristocracy in heels.

Why It Matters

These seemingly trivial moments—ripped jeans, borrowed lip gloss, a comment about baby brain—are not the cause of a feud. They are the symptoms of a system that wasn’t built to help outsiders assimilate. Meghan wasn’t just marrying Harry—she was entering an institution that demands deference, tradition, and silence.

And Kate? She had survived it by adapting, by mastering the unspoken rules. Meghan questioned those rules from day one—and paid the price for it.

This isn’t just about two women not getting along. It’s about what happens when modernity collides with monarchy, when cultural openness is met with centuries of protocol, and when sisterhood is expected—but never truly encouraged.